Rating: Definite R for language and violence
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Like chocolate- addictive!
Distribution: If you want it, take it and let me know!
Spoilers: Life Serial, B.A. Canon, and Bargaining on
BtVS, Carpe Noctem on AtS
AN: For this story, Xander has accompanied Buffy and
Cordelia has accompanied Angel to their off-screen
season 6/3 meeting. I know it's been done a lot, but
this is my angry, angsty version. From Cordy, Xander,
Buffy, and Angel's multiple POV's.
Summary: Buffy and Angel (with Cordy and Xander in
tow) meet each other after Flooded/CN
I felt him before I saw him. I could feel him all
around, I felt the tingles that went up my spine. I
felt the warmness that flooded my veins. When I
finally laid eyes on him, I couldn't believe whom I
Who was this man staring back at me?
This surely was not my Angel, my knight, my champion,
and my brave warrior.
He looked different now. His eyes encompassed a light
that covered the darkness that had plagued him for
centuries. He had hope, he knew he was going to be
redeemed. The happiness and warmth that surrounded him
startled me. I was not comforted by it, not as I had
been by the coldness and brooding of his former
I looked into his eyes, and they skittered away from
mine nervously. I wanted to die. He held love in his
eyes. But the love was not for me. It was for another.
I glanced at whom he brought with him to our meeting
and I knew before he told me.
Cordelia was riding shotgun in the convertible.
Damn him! Damn him to hell! I gave him everything I
had left and he had given my gift to someone else! He
thwarted me, I would never have a relationship like
ours again and I couldn't bring myself to love anyone
as completely as I did him.
It was all his fault! Damn him! I was young and
innocent and he had ripped everything from me and left
me a shell. My virginity, my innocence, everything. It
was all gone. To him, to someone who didn't care.
She looked up at me, then to Cordelia.
I felt like I had I killed her.
It looked like I had killed her. She knew that I was
in love with Cordelia. Her eyes welled with tears and
she stumbled backwards, into the grill of Xander's
car. I stepped forward. She turned and ran from me. I
gave chase, both of us running from the parking lot of
the Hot Dog on a Stick.
She continued to run, although I could sense she was
about ready to snap. Suddenly she stopped running and
turned on me. Her leather duster flapped behind her.
Her jaw tensed, she blinked back tears I had caused.
Then Buffy raised her hand to my cheek.
She hit me.
She hit me harder than anyone had hit me in my entire
life. My head swung to the side from the force of the
blow. Buffy started sobbing and hit me again, my head
snapping in the opposite direction. I welcomed the
stinging pain her swings brought as they connected
with my face.
*Let her hit me. I deserve it.*
I kept on punching him, working out all of my anger.
He just stood there, accepting my blows to his
beautiful face. Suddenly, I stopped swinging and
connecting and my hands dropped to my sides. I felt
the tears run down my face and hadn't realized I had
Angel reached out to touch me. I knocked his arm to
"Don't. Touch. Me. You don't have the right," I hissed
in a whisper.
He stiffened at my words.
"You took everything I fucking had! You took my
virginity, my innocence, my heart, and my soul! What's
left now? Nothing! I am a fucking shell!" I screamed,
tearing at my hair. Clumps came out in my hands.
"I couldn't love Riley, I couldn't love Parker or even
Spike, for Christ's sake! You are with me in every
breath I take and you don't love me anymore! You're a
fucking liar!" I shouted, punching him in the face
with everything I had. I heard something snap but
Angel fell to the gravel ground, looking up at me in
shock and pain. I didn't care anymore that he was in
pain. I was in unbearable pain and I was tired of
"I'll always love you, Buffy. Forever, isn't that the
whole FUCKING POINT!" I screamed, sitting on his
chest, pummeling it with little force.
"No! IT'S NOT THE POINT, IS IT, LOVER!" I roared,
sitting right on his ribs.
She was so mad. She was so hurt. I shouldn't have
brought Cordy with me to see Buffy. But if Buffy
didn't find out then, I would never have told her.
Buffy had dislocated my jaw and was in serious danger
of breaking several of my ribs.
I threw her off of me, and she went flying. She landed
in the dusty lawn a few feet away. I was an animal
now, feral and feeling the full effects of bloodlust.
My body fed off my pain and guilt and anger as I
My lover sat in a crumpled heap, in the fetal position
on the ground.
Oh, god. Did I hurt her?
No. Her eyes opened and she did not fear me.
"Bitch!" I shouted. "Useless whore!"
She quivered on the ground. Her arms were over her
chest while her knees were locked side by side. Her
eyes did not leave my face as I began to voice my
"Everything is my fault, isn't it, Buffy. I didn't
tell you to chose fucking Captain Cardboard as a boy
toy! But you did, and he didn't love you like I did,
didn't fuck you like I did, so the queen you happen to
be was disappointed. Boo. Hoo."
I wasn't done with her yet; I didn't see her tears or
her quivering lips or even sense her fear. I was too
far-gone; Angelus was at the controls now, yelling
everything I had felt over the years.
"I'm sorry nobody is being your servant Buff, but get
off your ass and do it yourself and stop acting like a
child! I've had you in my bed and I know you're not a
Buffy launched up and her feet connected with my
chest, sending me flailing into the road. As I was
about to connect with the pavement, I connected with a
Ford Pickup going seventy miles an hour.
I heard Buffy scream my name as my head connected with
the black asphalt.
I watched as the red pickup struck him. The pickup
didn't even stop; it just swerved out of my lover's
path and drove over his arm. I heard every bone in his
arm snap. I heard his body hit the asphalt with a
sickening thud. Everything in my body was crushed.
I heard my voice scream his name but didn't register
it. I ran into the road and cradled his limp form in
my arms, rocking back and forth. I heard tires behind
me, crunching from the gravel parking lot onto the
"Buffy! Don't move him!" shouted Xander. He got out of
his car and I heard the door slam.
It was Xander who drove up behind us, using his brand
new car as a blockade. Cordelia ran over to join the
three of us, frantic and winded. I didn't hear
anything else they were saying, I simply focused on
the unconscious man who head I held in my arms.
"Baby, baby wake up. Come on, baby, please," I
whispered to him. I stroked his hair and closed my
*Not now God, please not now. I can't live without
Cordelia grabbed me up by the arm.
"Stupid useless bitch! All you do is hurt him!"
shouted Cordelia. She reared back and punched me in
the solar plexus, sending me stumbling backwards.
I watched in envy and shock as Buffy cradled the
vampire's head in her arms. I noticed her hand and
bare arm was covered in his blood. He didn't move,
didn't breathe, didn't do anything. I could hear Buffy
calling his name and asking him to wake up.
She called him baby.
The truth hit me like a jackhammer. Buffy Summers, one
of my best friends, still loved Angel. I guess we all
knew it and never really 'knew it'. She had hidden the
truth from everyone, including herself, for three
Angel knew it, though. He knew of her undying love for
*Damn him. He doesn't deserve it.*
Angel knew it and he left her. He did take everything
from her, Buffy was right. Now he was busy showering
Cordelia with affections she didn't deserve. No one
but Buffy deserved that kind of treatment.
What did Cordelia ever do to win that vampire's
affections that Buffy didn't do? How many times had
Cordelia saved the world and sacrificed everything for
six billion people she had never met?
How about never?
My thoughts were plagued with hatred for Angel when I
heard Cordy's fist connect with Buffy.
The moment Angel was struck by that pickup I almost
retched inside his car. Everything froze. A truck had
just hit Angel, my best friend in the entire world! It
was all Buffy's fault, the stupid bitch. I may have
grown a lot since I lived in Sunnyhell, but I will
never like Buffy. No matter how many times she saves
I watched their fight by the road, heard them
screaming at each other. To be perfectly honest, I
wanted Angel to win. I ran out of the convertible and
joined Xander on the road.
"Baby, baby wake up. Come on baby. Please," pleaded
Buffy with Angel's head in her arms.
I wanted to rip her body limb from limb. It was her
fault Angel got hit by the truck. I watched as she
stroked his dark brown hair and looked up at Xander
I felt jealous as hell. I realized that I loved Angel.
I was in love with Angel. I loved him more than I
loved anyone else.
"Stupid useless bitch! All you do is hurt him!" I
roared, in a voice so unlike mine it scared me. For a
moment, I thought perhaps I was possessed by a demon.
Instead, I recognized the familiar fire of hatred and
jealously coursing through my body.
Suddenly, without really knowing what I was doing, I
punched Buffy in the solar plexus like Gunn and Wesley
had taught me. Buffy stumbled backwards and stayed on
her feet. I quickly stepped around Angel's limp form.
I watched as the look in Buffy's eyes switched from
fear and love for Angel to pure, unadulterated hatred
I leaned down towards Angel, noting the blood around
his head and the bruises on his beautifully chiseled
"DON'T TOUCH HIM!" screamed Buffy, shoving me
backwards. "You touched me, you touched my mate, I
should kill your fucking ass right here!"
"Your mate? What a way to treat your mate! Hitting him
and throwing him into the road! You're a fucking
idiot!" I screamed. Buffy paused for a moment and
stared at me. "You don't deserve him, you conceited,
blow-hard, evil bitch! He's more of a person than
you'll ever be! Besides- he doesn't love you anymore!"
A moment later, Buffy's fist was in my face, and it
felt like I had just been whacked with a wrought-iron
two by four. My vision was red and black for a moment,
but then it focused on Buffy the Bitch.
I ran towards Buffy, but she delivered a strong blow
to my stomach with her right foot, sending me flying.
My thighs scraped along the asphalt as I slid face
first across the remained of the road and rolled off
into the dusty, gravel side of the road.
All thoughts were derailed as I heard something
connect with Xander's car.
Cordelia crossed the line.
*Stupid bitch. I always knew she was a bitch, I just
didn't know she was this stupid.*
I delivered a possibly organ-damaging blow to her
abdomen and watched as she slid across the asphalt and
rolled onto the dusty ravine. I was too occupied with
watching her and tending to Angel that I didn't notice
what was going on.
I should have sensed the van barreling down the road
towards Xander's car. I heard the crunch of metal on
metal. I saw Xander fly to the side of the road. I
heard his body hit the ground with a sickening thud. I
watched Xander roll over to the side, his head at an
odd angle and his jaw hanging open.
Xander's car scooted forward with the force of the
impact. I saw orange sparks fly on the road as metal
scraped across the asphalt. I was hit in the back by
Xander's fender. It threw Angel and I forward. My hand
grappled for his arm and I pulled his unconscious body
We slid violently across the asphalt and then the
metal mess came to a screeching halt. I laid my body
over Angel's, too stunned to move just then.
Blood was coming from a gash in my back. I still
clutched Angel's body in my arms. I looked at his
still form and started to sob. I lowered my head to
his unmoving chest and clutched his body to mine, just
letting the tears flow.
*Please, god. Don't let him die. I love him.*
I came to before Cordelia did. I watched as Buffy and
Angel were thrown forward by the fender of my car. It
was all in slow motion. I watched as my fender gashed
into her back, ripping the leather from her coat and
cutting her back open. Even as she was thrown forward,
she clutched onto Angel.
She held him to her and sobbed into him, so afraid. I
was up and running toward them as the drunken van
driver came out of his brown van.
"I didn't see the car!" shouted the overweight man.
"Stupid idiot!" said Buffy in a muffled shout. She
lifted her head from his body and slowly turned her
tear streaked face towards the man. Her beautiful
features were marred by blood and tears. "It was in
the middle of the fucking road."
The man sloppily came towards her, but I was easily
able to punch him and knock him out.
"Xander," called Buffy. I knelt beside her. "We need
to take Angel to the Hyperion and then go back home."
"Buffy, do you-"
"I am not going to watch my former lover die on the
asphalt in front of a fucking Hot Dog on a Stick. Are
you coming with me or not?"
Xander stared at me after my ultimatium. His eyes
slowly travelled to Cordelia, who was beginning to
move and moan in the grassy, gravel-littered ravine. I
heard her cry out in pain.
My eyes, cold and hard, looked right into Xander's
"What the fuck are you going to do, Xander? Play the
Wimp again and let Angel die in the middle of the
fucking road or be a man for once?" I attacked.
Xander's dark eyes widened as her stared at me in
"Buffy, this is not the time to do this," said Xander,
shaking his head. His eyes once again travelled from
me to Cordelia.
The stupid seer bitch was struggling to her knees in
the ravine, blood trailing down her temples, clutching
her abdomen with her left arm.
"This may not be the fucking time for this," I warned
angrily, "but the time is gonna come, boy."
*Stupid goddam idiot.*
I slowly opened me eyes. My head was throbbing, and I
could see three brown vans in the road. Slowly, my
vision melded together, and I spied Xander, Buffy the
Bitch, and Angel in the road.
"...to do this!" shouted Xander. He flung an angered
hand in Buffy's face.
Slowly, painfully, I pulled myself out of the
gravel-grass-asphalt-litter ravine hell hole. I was on
my knees, my arm now across my throbbing abdomen.
*Fucking bitch almost killed me.*
"This may not be the time for this, but the fucking
time will come, boy," warned Buffy. Xander stumbled
backwards at the force of her words.
*Rip the bitch apart, limb by limb, piece by piece til
Angel is redeemed. Stupid fucker.*
I nodded my head.
*What the hell is going on? Where is Buffy and who the
fuck is this in front of me?*
"I'll help you," I told you calmly. "I'll help."
Buffy simply nodded. I watched as the hostile ice
melted from her eyes. The ice turned to salty tears
and Buffy was in my arms. I was shocked and slowly my
arms snaked around her.
"Xander," she blubbered, "help him. Please, please,
please. Help him."
I placed my head on her shoulder and said, "Come on,
Buff. Let's save the world. Again."
Xander climbed into the ravine and carried the moaning
Cordelia out of the ditch.
*Oh, damn it, I did that to her. I hurt another human
being. Oh, shit.*
Xander and I put Cordelia in Angel's convertible,
propping her up in the front seat. Xander was driving,
and I held Angel in the backseat as we went to LA. My
white t-shirt was coated in his blood. My hand was
covered in his blood. All I could smell was his blood.
The key to life- his life, was my blood.
As Xander continued to drive, I took off my torn
leather duster and exposed my wrist. Angel was still
unconscious, but he needed to be awake when we got to
LA. I looked over my shoulder at the sight on the road
as I contemplated him drinking from me again.
There was a brown van smashed into a blue car. An
overweight drunken man was out like a light beside his
van. There was a pool of blood on the ground, along
with a strip of my leather jacket. I clenched my jaw
and turned back to Angel.
I shoved my wrist into his mouth. Nothing happened.
I fully came to as Xander was driving Angel's
"What the hell are you doing!" I shouted in a loud,
"I am driving you two back to Los Angeles," said
Xander in an angry voice.
Two of his fingers were broken and there was a gash
across his forehead. He clenched the steering wheel
with his good hand.
I looked at myself. There were scratches (or burns)
from the asphalt as my body slid across it. My thighs
were raw and bleeding. My front and back hurt like
There was a bruise across my cheek. I reached into
the glove compartment and pulled out Angel's first aid
As I did, I looked into the rearview mirror.
Buffy was slitting her wrist with a Swiss Army Knife.
I saw Cordelia watching me as I slipped the blade
across my wrist. She watched noiselessly as I shoved
my wrist into Angel's mouth. Slowly, he writhed and
began to drink. He was so weak his face did not even
"Damn Slayer blood," noted Cordelia as she began to
bandage herself up in the front.
A moment later, his eyes opened. They were glassy and
he looked confused, but his beautiful eyes were open.
I looked at him and he struggled to move my wrist from
It only made me force it on him, and he quit
struggling as he accepted it.
I came out of a wonderful sleep with Buffy's wrist
being forced in my mouth. Slayer blood is by far the
best in the world. I had sworn I would never drink
from her again. I had sworn I would never scar her
I did not force her to do this. She willingly slit her
wrist and shoved it into my mouth.
She knew I was dying.
Forgotten were our cruel words, our blows, and our
fight by the road. I had called her a bitch. I had
hurt her so much she threw me into the road.
*She loves me.*
*Buffy still loves me.*
I had moved on because she had moved on. But because
she still loved methis was more than I could bear.
The truth was not in her words, but in her present
actions. She sacrificed her precious blood to save me.
I don't even act like I love her anymore.
My whole body ached.
My head ached, my broken arm ached, and my heart
ached. When I was finally conscious enough to sit up
on my own, I was overwhelmed by the scent of her
blood. It was everywhere.
"Buffy," I croaked.
She looked at me, her eyes glassy and still.
*Oh. God. No.*
Noiselessly I watched as her eyes rolled back into her
head and she fell into unconsciousness.
I heard Buffy hit the back seat with a thump.
"Detour?" I asked Angel.
"Los Angeles Memorial Hospital. Take the next exit
onto the superhighway," he instructed.
"What happened?" he asked me.
"After you got hit by the car, Buffy ran into the
street after you. I used my car as a blockade. A van
rammed my car and my fender sliced into Buffy's back,"
I told him. "This was after the Buffy/Cordelia
"Shit," I heard Angel say in irritation.
"Just keep driving, Xander," insisted Cordelia as she
bandaged my forehead.
We must have been a sight to see when Angel carried me
into the Emergency Room. There was blood on my wrist
and running down my back from a cut six inches long.
My face was bruised and I was limply in his arms.
Angel carried me into the hospital despite his broken
arm, severe head injury, and the fact that there was
gash in his skull. I woke up in the trauma room,
receiving stitches and blood transfusions. Cordelia
trailed Angel in, with long asphalt burns on her
I couldn't look at her without feeling guilty as hell.
Xander barely made it into the hospital before he
collapsed from his head wound. We were on neighboring
hospital beds in the trauma room. Cordelia, who was
the least banged-up of us all, told me this. She had
the sanity to call Wesley and Gunn to tell them
everybody was okay.
When I woke up, it was early morning. I was in a
hospital room all by myself.
"Angel!" I shouted, coming out of a nightmare. I felt
something cold on my hand, laced between my fingers. I
looked up and I saw Angel. He hadn't left my bedside
since that night. His arm was in a sling and there
were stitches in his head. He still had his beautiful
hair- he wouldn't let the hospital attendees touch it.
"You're here," I noted, rubbing my eyes.
"Yeah. Nice to have you back with the living," he said
I looked at him. There were bruises on his face.
I had caused them when I hit him.
"I am sorry for what I said to you. I was so jealous,"
I told him, touching a bruise on his face. He
shuddered when I made contact with his face.
"It's okay, Buffy," he told me.
Even as he said this, I knew it wasn't okay. It would
never be okay.
I entered the room right after Buffy woke up. She had
Angel's face in her hand and she was crying.
*Great, two minutes awake and the S.O.B. already had
her sobbing.* I came and sat on the edge of Buffy's
bed since Angel was occupying the lone chair.
"Xander," said Buffy with a smile, "can we *please* go
"Yeah, whenever you feel up to it," I told her.
"I need to get the hell out of L.A. Every time I am
here, something bad happens," Buffy told me with a
I noticed that as Buffy said that, Angel looked
pained. I had no clue why, and frankly, I didn't care,
but I noted his pain. A car had hit me because Buffy
had knocked his undead ass into the street.
*Couldn't an undead bastard stay dead when you killed
him or sent him to hell or hit him with a fucking
But I shouldn't be angry with Angel. I should be
pissed at Buffy because she had been lying to us for
years about not loving Angel. But I knew that it was a
fight I would never win. So, I left it.
I arrived home with a bucket of Fried Chicken while
Giles, Dawn, Willow, and Tara ate dinner. I had pulled
a stitch on the way home and my head was killing me.
Willow and Dawn were desperate for details on my visit
"It was intense. I think I want to keep this one to
myself, guys," I told them, plopping the bucket on the
Before I left the hospital that morning, Angel had
pulled me aside.
"Buffy," he had said, "I want to tell you how sorry I
am for hurting you."
"I know, Angel. I forgive you," I whispered. As I
leaned forward to kiss his cheek, our lips met. We
began to kiss as two long separated and devoured with
passion in the middle of a hospital hallway.
When it was over, he looked genuinely flustered.
"I'll see you," he said. His hand lingered in mine.
"Yeah" I said, my voice trailing off. Before I could
turn to leave, he had grabbed me again, cast and all
and we were kissing passionately against the hospital
I pulled away from him and walked towards the
"Have fun with Cordelia, I know you love her," I bit
"I'll always love you more," he reassured me.
"Always," I reaffirmed, stepping into the elevator. I
stared at him until the elevator doors shut.
"That's it? Intense?" pried Willow, bringing me back
My finger lingered on my lips and I said, "Intense."