A Lonely Christmas

Part One

<One more week before Christmas. Just one more week. I can do this.> Buffy Summers thought as she sat in lonely hotel room.

<One more week. You can do this Buffy. You're the Slayer. Oh, god. I miss them so much.> Buffy sighed as she thought of her friends, family, and most importantly...Angel.

Every Christmas always reminded her of her friends. She missed them.

She hated Christmas for that. Christmas was suppose to be a happy time of the year, but for her, it was always sad.

It was a long time ago since Buffy had last seen them.

Buffy had ran away. Again.

She couldn't handle everything that was happenning in her life.

First there was that whole Slayer thing, Angel turning evil, the Slayer thing, sending Angel to hell, the Slayer thing, running away to LA, the Slayer thing, Angel coming back, the Slayer thing, the Graduation, the Slayer thing, the Acsension, the Slayer thing, Angel leaving, the Slayer thing, Parker, Riley, Angel. It always came back to "the Slayer thing."

But she wouldn't want to live her life in any other way. She liked being the Slayer, freaky as it is, it gave her comfort that she can protect herself from creatures of the night. But the bad part was that she could die any day or night on her job.

Being the Slayer wasn't what really bothered her. Not really. She'd been thinking these past few weeks, she'd done a lot of thinking in those days than ever.

The real reason why she had left was because she couldn't handle having Angel reject her again. It would hurt too much and Buffy wasn't sure if she was going to be able to survive.

Although she knew that it was probably an irrational fear, she couldn't help it.

She regretted leaving numerous times. She even wanted to jump onto the next plane that was heading towards LA and leave, but she never did.

Sighing, Buffy Summers got ready for bed and slept a troubled sleep.

Part Two

Buffy dreamt. She dreamt of happier times when she was still a child. She dreamt her father was there, celebrating Christmas with the family.

She watched as memories of old times resurfaced from it's depth within her mind. She watched as every Christmas spent with her family was replayed in her mind.

On a particular Christmas, Buffy was eight years old. She watched the younger self as she woke up early and went downstairs.

She watched the emotions that crossed her face as she saw all the presents that were under the enormous, to her, tree.

She could remember thinking that Santa Claus had been there last night.

Then, little Buffy went back upstairs.

Buffy followed her into her parents room where she watched as little Buffy jumped on the bed and woke them up.

Buffy couldn't help but smile. She remembered how grouchy her father was and how her mother was so happy.

She missed the old times.

Then, their setting changed to the last Christmas that her father had before the divorce.

Everyone was so tense.

Buffy watched as she saw her 15 year old self excuse herself and went upstairs.

She followed her again, already knowing why she was upstairs.

The door was closed when she reached it. Buffy reached a hand out to the doorknob. Instead of grabbing a hold of the doorknob, her hand passed through.

Buffy stuck a catious hand through the door, it passed through.

She entered that way.

Buffy's heart broke again as she watched her younger self cry herself to sleep.

She remembered thinking that this was going to be their last Christmas together as a family.

She had wished herself a merry Christmas and continued crying.

She had lost hope of ever having a family ever again.

Buffy was surprised to feel tears on her face. She wasn't aware that she had been crying.

Buffy quickly wiped her tears as the scene changed once more.

***

Buffy was in a white room.

Everything was so white, even her clothes were white, she was blinded.

<This room needs some color.> Buffy thought.

Suddenly, a blinding white light appeared in front of her.

Stepping out of the light, she could see the figure.

She saw a girl, not much older then she was, with long blond hair and blue eyes.

She, too, was wearing white. The light behind her made her look like an angel.

<I'm not an angel, child.> Buffy jumped when she heard a voice in her head. It wasn't her own.

<What? Can you read my mind?> She asked.

<Among other things. Come. I must show you something.> The women said as she gave Buffy her hand.

Curious, Buffy took her hand and once again she was blinded by a white light.

Part Three

Buffy felt a bolt of electricity pass through her from where she touched the woman's hand.

<Whoa. Interesting.> Buffy thought.

She could hear a chuckle coming from the woman.

<Can you talk?> Buffy asked.

<Yes, but it's more fun to talk like this.> The woman said.

<What's your name?> Buffy wanted to know who this woman was.

<Why would you want to know my name?> The woman asked, warmly.

<No reason really.>

<I can sense your thoughts. You are curious about me. You don't have to worry, I will do you no harm.> She said.

<Great. What's your name?> Buffy asked again.

Chuckling at the girl's stubbornness, the woman answered.

<My name is Jaide. And I believe your name is Buffy, am I not correct?> Jaide asked.

<Hey! No fair! You knew my name.>

<Shush, Buffy. I have to show you something. Now if you will, step turn so you're facing me and so that I can see your eyes.> Jaide told Buffy.

Reluctantly, Buffy stepped forward and turned so that she could see Jaide's eyes. They were a bright blue, so bright that it seemed to have a light of it's own.

Jaide stared into Buffy's eyes, staring into her soul all the while.

<You miss him, don't you?> Jaide asked.

<Miss who? > Buffy asked back, although she knew who Jaide was talking about. Him being Angel.

<You do not have to lie to me. I know what your thoughts are before you think them There is no use for lying to me.> Jaide told Buffy gently.

Buffy sighed and looked away before answering.

<Yes, yes I do. I miss them all so much.>

<You have yet answered my question. Do you miss him?> Jaide asked again.

Buffy looked back and stared into Jaide's eyes. She knew there was no point in lying to her.

<Yes, I do. I miss him very much.> Buffy replied truthfully.

<Do you want to be with him?> She asked again.

<Forever. Only he doesn't want me.> Buffy replied sadly.

<What makes you think that?> Jaide asked.

<I thought you could read my mind?> Buffy accused her.

<I do, but wouldn't it be much better if you were to say your problem out loud?> She asked.

<He doesn't want me.> Buffy said again, tears shining brightly in her eyes. She refused to let them fall.

<Of course he does. Tell me why you think he doesn't.> Jaide asked, speaking to Buffy as if she was talking patiently to a child.

<Because...> Buffy began, she didn't want to tell anyone about her pain. She didn't want to share her pain. Right now, her pain was all she got.

<Child, you must tell me. Talking about your problem is the first step in the healing process.> Jaide told her.

<But I don't want to heal.> Buffy replied stubbornly.

Buffy could hear Jaide as she sighed.

<Child, do not worry about what I might think. If you are fearing me, then you are wasting your energy. Tell me or you won't be able to leave this realm.> Jaide told her matter of factly.

<Angel said...Cordelia said...>

<Take a deep breath.> Jaide advised her.

<After the End of Days fight, I heard the news of Angel getting his Shanshu. I thought that he wanted to be with me. But I was wrong.> Buffy told Jaide, taking a seat on a chair that magically appeared behind her.

Jaide sat across from her.

<How were you wrong?> Jaide asked.

Buffy looked up and looked Jaide in the eyes, Jaide could see the unshed tears that were the cause of her memories.

<He didn't want me. I left Sunnydale in hopes of finding Angel and getting back together, but I found out that Angel had moved on without me.> Buffy told Jaide, fighting a losing battle between her tears.

<How did you find this out?> Jaide asked gently.

<Cordelia. When I went to the Hyperion Hotel, that was where Angel was, she told me not to see Angel anymore because he already found someone else.> Buffy couldn't hold onto her tears any longer so she let go, letting out sobs after sobs as well.

Jaide stood up and comforted the young girl. Holding her until her sobs subsided.

<Soon, you shall find happiness once more. I promise you that, Buffy.> Jaide thought silently, making sure Buffy couldn't hear her.