He Will Do

I swallowed hard and welcomed the pain and pleasure. The brick from the
building was scarping across my back and scratching my forearms. I grabbed
his shoulder, moving to the ancient rhythm as the blonde vampire pressed my
up against the wall. It felt good, just to feel. My hands slipped under his
shirt aching for the feel of cold skin. I could pretend that it was someone
else holding me. I could pretend I was doing this out of love and not just
for feeling. He grunted in my ear, I opened my mouth to moan but nothing came out. I closed my mouth quickly, feeling the sting of vomit in the back of my
throat.

When did it come to this? The old Buffy would never stoop to work at a fast
food restaurant. The old Buffy would figure out was in that meat in the first
day of work. The old Buffy would never fuck Spike. Why couldn't that damn
witch leave me in heaven? was with my mommy. I was safe. I never am here. I
could never have a week without one evil demon ruining it.

Maybe I would have time to think and sort things out. I long for the peace of death, but I knowthat would be the coward way out. I may be lying to my friends about the bruises on my arms and the hickeys on my neck, but I am not a coward. A
little voice in my head whispers that I'm wrong.

Spike runs his fingers through my, now short, hair. He was angry with me for
cutting it. I was rejoiced in his anger. I kiss his neck and arch against
him. He vamped out once while we were fucking. He asked for a taste. I
grabbed my stuff and left after that. Now, I touch the scar on my neck. My
slayer healing didn't fade the scar and I was glad. It already felt tainted
from Dracula's bite and I could betray Angel with Spike's. Everything always
came back to my dark vampire. Out of nowhere I suddenly wonder where he is.
Maybe he is out battling demons and making his way towards his own
forgiveness, while his childe is fucking my senseless.

Spike noticed my fingers resting on his brand and he growls. His growl is
the same as Angel's. I should really swallow my courage and call him. Maybe
he would hear the blankness of my voice. Maybe he would sense my fear and
doubt. He would come running back and I would stay in his arms the whole
night. Then he would leave. Like he always does. Spike is too dependent to
leave now. Another reason why I latch on to him.

I wished that Angel was kissing me now. I want Angel to be the one pounding
into me, breaking me. I want Angel's arms around me and I want his forehead
leaning against mine after a blissful moment. But I never get what I want.