Trepidation

It has been two years since Angel had fulfilled his destiny and turned human. His Shanshu. It has been the happiest two years of my life.

I cried when he stood at my doorway, standing in the sunlight the day after he turned human. I might have fainted because I couldn't remember everything about that day. It was all a blur of gray and white. He proclaimed his undying love for me and I spilled out all my pent up feelings. We made love for endless hours, laughing and smiling. We were married a week later.

Now that day, I can remember all the details. The feel of my white silk dress, the look in Giles's eyes as he gave me away, and how Dawn's hair was piled on top of her head. It was beautiful. We got married on the beach and the weather was perfect. The waves crashed furiously on the shore, making beautiful splashes, Angel commented about how that mimicked our love. Everything was meant to be about our wedding day. Sometimes I watch the wedding tape, just to make sure this is all real.

Willow and Tara got past their differences and fears, they have been together now for a year. Anya got angry because I married before her and two weeks after Angel and I were married, Xander and her got married. It was a small wedding in the local chapel. It was pretty. I was a bridesmaid along with Willow and Cordelia. Cordelia and I also saw past our differences. She warned if I hurt Angel that she would kill me.

Giles went back to London after the parties and marriages. I heard he has a girlfriend there. Angel and I got a large house in the middle of LA and Sunnydale. Its a beautiful house with a garden in the backyard. It was adorned with roses and flowers. The porch was my idea. I made sure there was a bar and lounge chairs so Angel could get a nice tan. He spent every second he could outside.

Angel Investigations was closed soon after we got married. I was nervous at night when Angel went out to fight demons and save souls. I told him that I was still the slayer but he would have none of it. He came home badly beaten one day and I knew that it was enough. Dawn couldn't stand the thought of living with two people who never came up for air. She stayed at Willow's for a year then went off to live on campus at Sunnydale College.

After Angel came and we got married, Spike was never seen again. I fear that I might have loved him at one point, not the intense true love Angel and I have, but a light trusting love. If there is such a thing. Angel got a job at a law firm. He stilled helped people in a way and he had thing for persuading people. He was now working at on a case against the law firm, Wolfram and Hart. Angel seems to be winning the case so far and he works on it day and night.

"Hey baby." He purrs to me and I smile. He is hunched over his desk, writing rapidly, and I stand in the doorway. He doesn't have to turn around to know that its me. That comforts me in a strange way. I walk behind him and massage his tense shoulders, he stops writing and leans into me.

"You work too hard." I said after a second of silence and he moans in response.

"How is the case going?" I ask.

"Its...exhausting." He tells me truthfully.

"You'll get them." I encourage.

"Well, right now I got you, beloved." He turns in his chair quickly and pulls me on to his lap. I kiss him gently and then pull away.

"I talked to Xander today."

"What did he say?" Angel asks, stroking my hair. I rested my head on his chest and sigh in the feeling of content.

"He said that Anya wants to go on another trip. Anya said that they have to have sex in every continent before she dies." I grin, remembering the phone call earlier this morning. Sometimes I feel guilty about just leaving my scared duty and leaving with my Angel. But Xander said things have quieted in Sunnydale and if there was a need for a slayer, they would call me. That made me feel better in a weird way.

"Hmm, is that so?" Angel grinned also, lifting me up in his arms and carrying me to the bed. I laugh and throw my hands around his neck.

"We could do that too and since this is a continent." Angel trailed off and he crushed his lips to mine.

****

I had a dream that night when I feel asleep after hours of love making. I can't remember the details, something happened with Angel. Something bad. I woke with a start, sweat and tears on my cheeks. I shook my head and looked to Angel next to me. A feeling of dread filled my stomach. He was peaceful and sleeping but the feeling would not subside. I took a deep breath and walked into the bathroom. I splashed my face with water and glanced in the mirror. I looked like a horror show.

I chuckled and wondered how Angel could have ever contemplated falling in love with me. The smile was vanquished from my face when the taste of vomit stung the back of my throat. Gods, what was wrong with me? The feeling of anxiety doubled and I realized that my hands were shaking.

"Beloved?" Angel called from the bedroom.

"I'm here." I called but my voice was shaky and nothing above a whisper. My heart seemed to quicken and my stomach did flip flops.

"What's wrong?" My husband asked and I could hear him sitting up in the bed, prepared to come look for me. I cleared my throat quietly but did not reply. I walked into the kitchen, ignoring the worried look from Angel.

"I'll make breakfast." I said, glancing at the clock. Angel had to leave for work in a hour and a half.

"Are you all right, Buffy?" He asked me seriously. I wanted to scream that I wasn't and something was disturbing me greatly, but I didn't.

"Yeah." Was my reply and I can tell he didn't buy it, but he let it drop anyway.

"I'm going to get dressed, today is our appearance in front of the judge for case against Wolfram and Hart." He told me, walking back into the bedroom, rummaging for clothes. The feeling of dread does nothing but increases and I almost spill the orange juice my hand is shaking so bad. Whats going on? The horrible feelings continue and I realize with a start that they are directed towards Angel. I brush away the thought and reach for the eggs.

"Something is wrong." Angel says behind me and I jump. The egg crashes to the floor and I stare at it for a long time.

"Buffy?" Angel asks and he puts a hand on my shoulder. The familiar tingling sensation when his skin touches mine, isn't there. I feel fear.

"Sorry." I say absentmindedly and reached for a towel, picking up the egg shells. Angel stops me and forces me to look into his eyes. Its obvious he can see the fear there.

"What's wrong? Are you ill?" He looks concerned and worried.

"I wish I knew." I said truthfully. He puts a hand to my head, when he finds no fever he looks at me strangely. I turn away and continue to pick up the egg shells. I hear him sigh and I can feel his eyes burning into my back.

"I just had a bad dream, thats all." I muttered. Maybe that was it, the bad dream. Why was it affecting me when I'm awake? He drops it and takes a drink from his orange juice but I can still feel his eyes staring me down.

"I want you to stay home today." I said out of nowhere. The feeling in my stomach seems to intensify and I felt like there was a shadow hanging over me. Angel looks up surprised.

"What? Baby, you know I can't." Angel says and I could see the sudden guilt in his eyes. I lick my lips and shake my head. I know this all.

"I don't care. I want you to stay home today. Just for today." I complain and grip the counter for support.

"I've been working on this case for so long, Buffy. I have to be there today. I'll stay home for a week after that." Angel argues. I know this case is so important to him, he needs to get closure from what all that Wolfram and Hart has done to him. Once again, I don't care.

"I know this is important to you and I want to see you happy, but this would make me feel so much better if you were home today."

Angel sighs and shakes his head. I want to cry and I entwine my fingers together. Angel could see how badly I'm shaking.

"Sweetie." He comes closer to me but I step away.

"No!" I shout. Why won't he listen? Doesn't he care about this endless dread in my stomach?

"If you want company Xander can come over. Anyone to help make you feel better." He tries to reason with me and on any other occasion it would have worked. Not today.

"No, God Damnit! Listen to me!" I yell and Angel sighs and walks to get his briefcase. I follow him and snatch the case away from him.

"Buffy!" He yells and I see his impatience and anger.

"Please, stay home. I have a horrible feeling." I whisper gently and the rage is gone from his eyes.

"Love," He says and gently takes the case away from me. I know he has been working so hard for this and I know that he needs to win this case today. He wipes away my tears that I didn't even know that I have cried and kisses me sweetly. I allow myself to be swept away, just for this moment.

"I'll call when I get there and then I'll come home early." He promises me. I nod but I don't feel any better. Then he leaves and I let him.

Seven hours later and there was still no word from Angel. I pace back and forth and curse myself for letting him go to work today. The dread and anxiety was still strong in my body. The phone rings and I freeze. A wild thought enters my head. What if that's the hospital calling, telling me that Angel is there? I tentatively pick up the phone.

"Hello?" My voice is small and shaky.

"Baby." Angel's voice is like music and I want to cry in pure relief.

"The judge was undeceive and the case continues tomorrow." He tells me and I could tell that he is neither disappointed nor happy.

"Just come home, baby." I whimper.

"Of course." He tells me. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I whisper and I feel a large weight being lifted off my shoulders. I collapse on the couch and bury my face in my hands. I noticed that my hands have stopped shaking but the feeling of trepidity is still there. I get up and make myself some tea. It always soothes me. An hour later I get another phone call. I hope that it is Angel stuck in traffic and he is just calling to make sure. I pick pup the phone.

"Hey baby." I answer.

"Is there a Bunny or a Buffy O'Connor there?" An unfamiliar voice replies and I freeze. Ohgodohgodohgod. My hands once again start to shake and I want to throw up because my stomach is churning so violently.

"Yes." Is all I can say.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. O'Connor. There appears to be an accident."

****
I drive blindly, tears in my vision. I had enough sense to call Willow before I ran out of the house. The man on the phone had given my directions to a crash site. A car accident. He didn't tell me anymore and I didn't stay to listen. I drove widely to the accident and I jump out of my car. I feel my heart racing and I want to scream and yell and throw up all at the same time. I see Angel's car crashed into a large truck. Its hard to tell where one car ends and other begins. I let out a whimper as I see the condition the car was in. The windshield is not longer there, neither is the driver's door. The front seats are pressed up against the dashboard and the steering wheel. I see blood on the wheel.

I see an ambulance and someone being interviewed by the police. No sign of Angel.

"Excuse me, Miss. This is a crime scene." A large police officer comes in front of me, blocking my view of the site.

"My husband. I got a call." I say, tears running down my cheeks and I see the sympathy in his eyes. He steps back without another word and I run into the site. I look around widely.

"Angel?" I call desperately. The man being interviewed stares at me and I walk over to him and the police officers.

"My husbands car..." I trail off and breathe heavily. I was so confused and my lower lip trembled. The man looks down and I see guilt and shame in his eyes.

"Oh God." He whispers and buries his face in his hands. I look at the police officers, my large eyes pleading for an answer.

"He is in the ambulance, Mrs." A woman police officer looks at me. Why is everyone looking at me like that?

"Thank you." I breathe and run over to the ambulance. A sob tore from my throat when I saw Angel laying on a stretcher. He had a sheet over half of his body and he looked beaten badly. I grab his hand and realize that it is cold. So cold. I drop his hand quickly, gasping.

"Angel?" I whimper, he is oh so pale. Just like he was when he was a vampire.

"Are you Buffy?" A paramedic asks me. I stare at Angel's body. Dead body. My husband is dead. Oh God, help me. I feel empty inside.

"He was asking for you when we pulled him out of the car." The paramedic tells me. Someone is screaming in the background and I look around for the person who is screaming so widely. Its agonizing and I want to shut it out of my head. I feel numb and that agonizing pain all at once. God, will that person stop screaming? I hear Angel's voice whisper in my ear and our life together flashes before my eyes. I see Angel's face in my head and feel his kisses on my lips. I see a flash before my eyes and I see Angel and I sitting with little kids by us, then I see me all alone holding a gun to my head. I see myself standing before Angel's grave, crying. *Who* is screaming like that? Oh God, Angel. I told him not to go out today. Damn him! The pain is so much and I feel myself drop to my knees. I feel lonely all ready and I know that I will die alone.

After a second, I realize that I'm the one screaming.