Author: Nicky

Synopsis: After Buffy came and kicked Angel ass, he thinks about his relationship with Buffy and Cordelia.

Disclaimer: I dont own anything. The song belongs to Michelle Branch

Distribution: Anybody who wants, can have

Timeline: Season Seven Buffy, Season Four Angel

Feedback: Please

He thought of his former love. He hated how he thought of things as past tense now. He still loved her. Why did he pretend? He pushed people away. He always did.

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

Angel looked at a picture of Cordelia. She was beautiful, and kind, but she wasnt Buffy. She never was. Every time he held her in his arms, he thought that her skin didnt feel right. She didnt smell like vanilla, and sweet cherry. She wasnt Buffy.

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

He had been pretending. He had lied, when he told her to move on. When she had come to his hotel, he had been happy. And when she had wanted to kill him, he almost welcomed the sweet death that she could provide. She had been so far away until then. So unreachable, and he had thrown away his only chance with her. Why was he so stupid and foolish? He wanted her to be his sun, and other poetic crap like that. Instead he picked a woman who used to make his former love cry. Why did he think of Buffy as his former love, when he still loved her with his entire heart?

When he had first left her, he had wanted only good for her. Buffy, his retribution. But now he wanted her so badly sometimes he couldnt even breathe. And he didnt need to breathe. But she made him feel human, and he forgot about all the things that separated him from her. Like his demon. His evil. She made him complete and human. And it in those small moments of happiness he could live forever in her arms.

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Why did he have to say goodbye? He had no idea. When she talked to him it was like he was falling into her eyes, and for once he felt normal. Cordelia couldnt except his true face. His demon face. He had transformed one time in front of her, and she told him his vampire face made her uneasy. Buffy never noticed. She loved him so fully and completely that it made no sense to him.

He kept telling himself that he did it for her. That he left for her. And that he had tried to hold on to her as long as possible. But she didnt need him anymore. She had always been independent. He lied to her so many times, but she could see him. The real him. He was so lost. Conner had tried to kill him. His son. And Cordelia had told him to move on. Move on. In that one moment, he knew she would never be Buffy. Buffy would have comforted him, and made the world disappear. Cordelia couldnt make the world disappear.

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

And in that moment he realized that he wanted the world. He wanted to possess it like Buffy had. But he couldnt. He wasnt willing to sacrifice. He never was.

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye. Those words, were the stupidest thing he had ever said. He had given up. He didnt want to give up anymore.

And so he ran. He ran as fast as his legs could handle. He put the key in the ignition, and drove until tomorrow never came. He was going to beg, and plead, and make her see. Make her see what he saw. He saw forever. Forever with her.

When the stars fall I will lie awake
Youre my shooting star

He wanted to catch her. Love her, and never let her go. Buffy.